Stay classy, Free–Lance, stay classy: The Free Lance–Star makes jokes repeatedly about sexual battery.

The Free Lance–Star:

A Stafford County man was squeezing more than Charmin Friday in a North Stafford grocery store, police said.

Sheriff’s Maj. David Decatur said the suspect, 51-year-old Kenneth Law-rence Green, is accused of grabbing at least two women’s buttocks in the Shopper’s Food Warehouse in Stafford Marketplace.


According to Decatur, the assaults occurred about 1 p.m. The known victims were 49 and 57.

One victim said she was shopping when she felt someone grab the lower part of her buttocks. She looked up and saw Green next to her.

A few minutes later, Decatur said, the same thing happened to the same woman, and police were called.

Green was still in the store when deputies arrived, and he was taken into custody. During the investigation, police learned there was a second victim.

Several witnesses observed the improper touching, Decatur said.

Besides the Charmin joke, there’s a picture of toilet paper printed with the story and the story has the headline “SQUEEZING WAS JUST TOO FRESH”.

My God, where can I find a decent Goddamn newspaper?

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