A SatireWire classic: Small Investors Urged to Remain Calm, Leave Panic to the Professionals.

Seasoned Experts Prove Much Better at Guiding Hysterical Sell-Off:

Heeding the advice of those who know the markets better, most individual investors kept their cool during Wall Street’s historic plunge, allowing seasoned, market-savvy professionals to do the panicking for them.

“What we didn’t need last week was for every Tom, Dick, and Harry to stampede for the exits and sell everything they own,” said Steven Kasalackis of the Fidelity Magellan fund. “That kind of behavior should be left to the experts.”

Across the country, small investors offered similar sentiments, and expressed relief that steadier hands were running the ship aground.

“I kept telling myself I didn’t sell because of patriotism, but the truth is, I don’t have access to the kinds of information the pros have, and I didn’t want to panic with my money,” said Janice Leeman of Ocala, Fla. “I felt much more secure knowing that they were panicking with my money.”

Ironically, some small investors claim the sell-off bolstered confidence in their own stock-trading abilities. “All last week I kept thinking, ‘God, I’ve got to sell!” but I didn’t,” said Stan Persik, a realtor from San Diego, Cal. “Then when I saw the big guys were selling, I thought, ‘Ha! See, I was right!'”

Actually, the whole SatireWire site is great.

Somewhat dated through. Just replace “dot-comers” with “creditors” and “banks”.

This one was years ahead of its time: Record 75 Million Americans Now Pretending They Own Their Own Homes.

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