Stay classy, Free–Lance, stay classy: The Free Lance–Star makes jokes repeatedly about sexual battery.

The Free Lance–Star:

A Stafford County man was squeezing more than Charmin Friday in a North Stafford grocery store, police said.

Sheriff’s Maj. David Decatur said the suspect, 51-year-old Kenneth Law-rence Green, is accused of grabbing at least two women’s buttocks in the Shopper’s Food Warehouse in Stafford Marketplace.

[…]

According to Decatur, the assaults occurred about 1 p.m. The known victims were 49 and 57.

One victim said she was shopping when she felt someone grab the lower part of her buttocks. She looked up and saw Green next to her.

A few minutes later, Decatur said, the same thing happened to the same woman, and police were called.

Green was still in the store when deputies arrived, and he was taken into custody. During the investigation, police learned there was a second victim.

Several witnesses observed the improper touching, Decatur said.

Besides the Charmin joke, there’s a picture of toilet paper printed with the story and the story has the headline “SQUEEZING WAS JUST TOO FRESH”.

My God, where can I find a decent Goddamn newspaper?

Bravo: Guy gets the same amount of time in jail for abducting, setting his girlfriend on fire as the guy that missed two court dates while in jail in another jurisdiction.

Aren’t punishments supposed to be proportionate to the crime?

The Free Lance–Star:

Marcus Duane Simms thought he had a valid reason for not showing up in Stafford Circuit Court twice in January.

He was in jail in Norfolk.

Unfortunately for Simms, a Stafford County jury–and state law–disagreed.

The jury recommended that Simms, 21, serve a year in prison after convicting him of two counts of failing to appear in court.

AP via RT-D:

A Smithfield man will serve a year in jail after being convicted of abducting his girlfriend and setting her on fire.

[…]

Mizell spread hair gel on the woman and set it on fire last August after the two had argued in the woman’s apartment in Suffolk. His lawyer said in court that Mizell thought she had sex with another man the previous night.

Asinine prosecuting in Stafford County: Guy gets more time for a failure to appear (when he was in jail in another jurisdiction) than for four theft related charges.

Read every sentence twice to fully understand this stupidty. From The Free Lance–Star:

Marcus Duane Simms thought he had a valid reason for not showing up in Stafford Circuit Court twice in January.

He was in jail in Norfolk.

Unfortunately for Simms, a Stafford County jury–and state law–disagreed.

This jury, in this case, is completely stupid. More on the state law below.

The jury recommended that Simms, 21, serve a year in prison after convicting him of two counts of failing to appear in court.

People get less time for dealing drugs for crying out loud!

Sources said that before taking his case to the jury, Simms rejected a deal in which he would have served two days in exchange for his guilty pleas.

As would I.

According to the evidence and court records, Simms was arrested in Stafford last year on four theft-related charges.

As I wouldn’t.

He was supposed to appear for trials on Jan. 8 and 24, but he did not because he was locked up in Norfolk on charges he picked up while free on bond.

Prosecutor Michael Hardiman said that under state law, being in state custody does not excuse a defendant from missing court. He said that Simms’ was required to be on good behavior while on bond.

Mr. Prosecutor Guy: You’re not the most up-to-date on the intent of state law are you?: § 19.2-128:

A. Whoever, having been released pursuant to this chapter or § 19.2-319 or on a summons pursuant to § 19.2-73 or § 19.2-74, willfully fails to appear before any court or judicial officer as required, shall, after notice to all interested parties, incur a forfeiture of any security which may have been given or pledged for his release, unless one of the parties can show good cause for excusing the absence, or unless the court, in its sound discretion, shall determine that neither the interests of justice nor the power of the court to conduct orderly proceedings will be served by such forfeiture.

B. Any person (i) charged with a felony offense or (ii) convicted of a felony offense and execution of sentence is suspended pursuant to § 19.2-319 who willfully fails to appear before any court as required shall be guilty of a Class 6 felony.

C. Any person (i) charged with a misdemeanor offense or (ii) convicted of a misdemeanor offense and execution of sentence is suspended pursuant to § 19.2-319 who willfully fails to appear before any court as required shall be guilty of a Class 1 misdemeanor.

Anyone with an ounce of sense (something a Stafford County prosecutor and jury apparently lack) would see that the condition in subsection A should also apply to subsections B and C.

In addition, note the inclusion of the words “willfully fails to appear”.

As for being on good behavior: This is completely and utterly irrelevant to Simms’s failure to appear charges. If he violated the terms of his bond, he should have been show caused and have had bond revoked in Stafford County (which occurred). The fact the violated the terms of his bond has absolutely no bearing on his failure to appear charges.

Defense attorney Denise Rafferty agreed that the law was against Simms, but she asked the jury to use its common sense and recognize that Simms could not have been in court those days.

Common sense ain’t so common.

She pointed out that he had shown up for other court appearances in Stafford, including his arraignment and a preliminary hearing.

Simms ended up pleading guilty to receiving stolen property in Stafford and got a suspended three-year sentence.

I’m sure the people that had stuff stolen from them appreciate the fact that the guy is going to get more time in jail for annoying a prosecutor and a judge, than for stealing their stuff.

Simms pleaded guilty in April in Norfolk Circuit Court to charges of eluding police and hit and run. He will be sentenced on those charges later this month.

His sentencing on yesterday’s convictions is set for Aug. 25 in Stafford Circuit Court. The judge could reduce his one-year sentence but cannot increase it.

It’s official: Stafford County is ran by morons.

The Free Lance–Star:

A group studying illegal immigration in Stafford County suggests Stafford seek the right to sanction businesses that hire undocumented workers, and to deny illegal immigrants a public education and emergency medical services.

My Lord, where to being?

A) Wow, that’s compassionate.

B) So, will this be the county’s response to someone having a heart attack?: “Let’s see, you’re not illegal, so get in this wheelchair and we’ll admit you.” Or: “Let’s see, you’re an illegal, go out in the street and die. Next!”

C) Last I checked Stafford County doesn’t run a hospital. Yes, MediCorp is planning on building one in Stafford County, but the county won’t be running it (thank God). MediCorp would laugh these people out of the building if the county came with this proposal.

D) Since the only “emergency medical services” the county provides would be EMTs/Paramedics, are they going to be ordered to play 20 questions (in addition to the work they have to do) and find out if someone is an illegal?: “Yo necesito tu papeles.” (I need your papers.) If the person is an illegal, are they going to deny them transport to a hospital and kick them out of the ambulance?

E) See A.

[…]

The report does not quantify the financial and social impact of illegal immigration in Stafford.

[…]

The report concluded that “Although we cannot quantify that impact, anecdotal evidence, as well as common sense, would dictate that it exists.”

Of course, we have no evidence to support what we’re saying, but it’s true. Trust us, we’re the government.

Scharpenberg said it’s unclear how many employers hire illegal immigrants but that “there’s a lot of winking and nodding in Stafford businesses.”

Another one of those “we have no evidence, but it happens; trust us” comments.

That’s evidence (no pun intended) of crack governing.

The late Jason Mooney to be honored by Governor Kaine.

NBC4:

Gov. Timothy Kaine will speak at a service to memorialize fallen Virginia police officers.

The annual Virginia Law Enforcement Officers’ Memorial Service will take place at 6:30 p.m. Tuesday on the South Portico of the Virginia Capitol.

The ceremony will honor three Virginia law enforcement officers: Campbell County Deputy Sheriff Jason Saunders and Stafford County Deputy Sheriff Jason Mooney, both of whom died in crashes last year.

Chesapeake Detective Jarrod Shivers was fatally wounded in January while serving a narcotics search warrant.

Last year’s ceremony honored 10 officers.

“Senseless act of violence” story of the day.

AP via Richmond Times-Dispatch:

Stafford County authorities are investigating the fatal shootings of a man, a woman, and two small children at a mobile home park a few miles north of Fredericksburg.

Stafford County Administrator Anthony Romanello says one of the children was about 3 years old and the other was about 18 months old.

The shootings happened last night on Walt Way, just west of U.S. 1.

County sheriff’s office spokesman Bill Kennedy says authorities investigating a report of a domestic disturbance found the victims shortly before 10 p.m.

The shooting victims have not been identified, and officials have given no motive for the shootings.

UPDATE: WTOP Radio:

A heavily armed man shot his girlfriend and his two children in a mobile home before killing himself, Stafford County Sheriff Charles Jett tells WTOP.

The victims are identified as Latasha Nicole Thomas, 23; her 2 1/2-year-old daughter Nicole Aaron Jackson; and her son, 1 1/2-year-old Aaron Neptune Jackson.

Jett identified the shooter as Aaron Poseidon Jackson, 24.

Thank you Stafford County Sheriff’s Office.

The Free Lance–Star: Stafford deputies arrest fugitive:

Two broken windows in southern Stafford late Thursday led to the arrest of a man wanted for a slaying that occurred nearly four years ago and 3,000 miles away.

Dmarcus Dewitt George, 24, was among a group of young men at the Deacon Road 7-Eleven when Stafford 1st Sgt. J.D. Pittman pulled in.

Sheriff’s spokesman Bill Kennedy said Pittman was one of several deputies responding to a vandalism call on Grafton Street when he spotted two vehicles that matched the descriptions of those reportedly seen leaving the scene.

[…]

The slaying George is accused of occurred on June 21, 2004, according to a police report provided by the Pierce County Sheriff’s Office.

[…]

An arrest warrant for George in Washington was issued on Jan. 10, 2005. According to court records, 22-year-old Isaiah Clark was shot four times at a Shell gas station in Parkland, Wash.

[…]

Witnesses told police that George, who was in the back seat, shot Clark and the victim fell to the ground. Police said Clark was shot three more times after he had fallen. George is on Pierce County’s 10 Most Wanted list.

So why did Caroline and Stafford Counties fail to meet ozone standards but Spotsylvania County and Fredericksburg didn’t?

As noted previously, Caroline and Stafford Counties failed to meet the EPA’s new ozone quality standards but Spotsylvania County and Fredericksburg didn’t. Care to guess why?

It’s because Spotsylvania County and Fredericksburg don’t have any ozone monitors!

In fact, there are only 26 ozone monitors in 21 different jurisdictions in all of Virginia:

ozone.png

It’s amazing that the AP and the Richmond Times-Dispatch actually published a news story when the whole basis of the story is government data whose methodology is so flawed it would be laughed at by anyone doing scholarly research. They only have data for 21 jurisdictions (out of 134 jurisdictions [95 counties and 39 independent cities]) but that doesn’t stop them from writing a story about the terrible ozone in the 14 jurisdictions (out of the 21 jurisdictions that have monitors) that failed to meet the EPA’s standards!

Thanks to commenter Larry Gross on Fred2Blue blog for pointing this out.

*Cough**Cough* There’s too much smog in this county!

Well, that’s according to the EPA.

Richmond Times-Dispatch: Tougher pollution limits mean Richmond area, other state regions, are in violation:

Richmond and several other Virginia regions violate a tougher air-pollution limit that federal officials announced this evening, state officials say.

The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency announced a new limit for the amount of ozone allowed in the air. Ozone is the main pollutant in smog.

[…]

Some parts of Virginia that met the previous limit also violate the new one, state officials say. They include Hampton Roads, the Roanoke area and Caroline and Stafford counties. (Smoggy Northern Virginia has violated federal ozone limits for nearly 20 years.)

Complete list from the AP: Counties Not Meeting EPA Smog Standards:

Virginia: Alexandria City, Arlington, Caroline, Charles City, Chesterfield, Fairfax, Hampton City, Hanover, Henrico, Loudoun, Madison, Prince William, Stafford, Suffolk City.

Um, yeah, sure, Caroline and Stafford Counties are on that list but Spotsylvania County and Fredericksburg are not? That makes sense to me!

The city of Alexandria has 9,011.45 people per square mile. Arlington County has 7,683.89 people per square mile. The city of Hampton has 2,646.3 people per square mile. Meanwhile, Caroline County only has 50.15 people per square mile.

As if anyone needed any addition proof that the EPA is completely useless…

Jacob McHale returned safety, mother turns herself in, Matthew Borowski still at large.

WFLS News: Mother returns missing Stafford child:

Jacob McHale was believed to have been abducted by his mother, Carianne McHale and her boyfriend, Matthew Borowski. Monday afternoon Stafford County deputies were called to the office of an attorney representing McHale. She turned herself in and turned Jacob over. He appears to be in good condition and is being returned to his grandparents who have custody.

What the ****? “[B]elieved to have been abducted”? Way to nail down the facts there. Here’s what The Free Lance–Star said:

According to police, the three suspects showed up at the grandparents’ home unannounced about 11 p.m. Thursday. Carianne McHale grabbed the child while one of the men knocked the grandfather to the ground and the other held the grandmother.

Jacob was “kicking and screaming” when the group left in the 2004 black Infiniti G-35 with Virginia tags KMU8121, officials said.

This useless WFLS story continued:

A second man in the case, Varun Sethi turned himself in Sunday night and is charged with conspiracy to commit abduction. He remains in the Rappahannock Regional Jail under no bond. Carianne McHale faces charges of abduction, assault and battery, felony child neglect and conspiracy to commit abduction. Borowski still remains at large and faces the same charges as McHale. The car believed to be used in the abduction was located in northern Virginia by the FBI and impounded. Authorities believe it was nearby a residence where Borwski may have been staying